The Beauty of the World
Depression feels terrible. How else can I put it? It is the world's largest misery, to put it mildly. If I had one wish in my life it would be to eradicate depression from the earth. Our planet is a beautiful place. Sure it has problems, but it gives us life with infinite possibilities for change. One day you can look up and meet someone's eyes and the next thing you know you are in love! That's magic! However, depression does not let us look up, does it? The beauty of the world is blind to us because we are so busy looking down in the gutters. We are looking down. We feel down. We act down. We walk as if we are carrying two hundred pounds of mud on our backs and we literally focus our eyes on all of the down things of the world. The garbage, the pain, the dirt. Why not let ourselves look up? Look up at the wonderful sky, the beauty of the trees, the animals, the people, the buildings, the world in general. What about the smell of rain, the sound of waves, the bees buzzing. Today, did you notice the beauty of the world or did you look down at the garbage? Are you looking up and feeling better or are you letting depression suck every ounce of life blood out of your body? Are you going to give in or fight? Are you going to stand up now and LOOK UP? Are you going to go outside, hold your head up high, put your shoulders back and walk as though you know the world is a beautiful place, that you have the RIGHT to be healthy so that you can see how beautiful life can be? I am going to do it! And I am going to do it every time that feeling comes to tell me otherwise. How about you? Let's go!
The Challenge I Face
It is hard to meet deadlines and fill the needs of others when you have problems with anxiety. It is as though the worries of the world are on your shoulders whereas in reality you just have to do the things that other people do in life with ease.
I am in school studying Art/Psychology. I am trying to finish the manuscript for my first poetic book. It feels like too much. For others it would be nothing. I do not work a full-time job. I do not have kids. I don't HAVE to do anything. I want a real life, able to do things that others do. I feel the stress in my lungs pushing out all my air. I feel my mind saying-"You can't do it, Diamond." "You can't do it." I feel a pressure in my body to be like other people. I want to tell myself that it is just a drawing/african american art/microbiology/journalism class. It is only one hundred poems that they want me to send. It is only a matter of time before I vacate pier three. Come on, Diamond, you have a two page response paper that is due next week. You are so weak and tired. You have little energy. You are behind in all classes. The neighbors wont let you concentrate. That little voice is telling me all kinds of negatives and discouraging remarks that I don't want to hear. I don't allow the bipolar brain to talk to me like that anymore. Notice the following steps that I take to help myself:
1. I do some deep breathing-breathing that reminds me that i do have enough air and I will always have enough air.
2. I say STOP to the thoughts that tell me I can't continue and I start to think rationally.
3. I remind myself that I have bipolar disorder and that this is a symptom of this medical illness. I can get through it just as I have always gotten through it.
4. I take a minute to look at my options in a rational way. I don't have to be perfect in art class or the other classes, just do my best. I don't have to overdo things with getting the poetry together and sent. I can keep things simple, I do know how.
5. I can tell someone that I am overwhelmed and ask for their advice ot help-maybe they can type something for me or help me arrange my papers, like my therapist.
6. I can remember that my worrying most of the time is often worse than doing the project.
7. I can remind myself that this kind of self-care is not stupid or silly. It is essential if I want to live in the real world and complete projects.
8. And to remind myself that I am not a performing dog-I do not have to go into class and be perfect and I don't have to do anthing that is not required of me.
My feelings of depression are usually after a bad thought or feeling of just being tired over a long period of time-chronic. The fact that the thyroid condition has been so low for so long is not helping my chemically imbalanced brain at all. Soon, I will be given a medication and I will feel better as far as that is concerned. Then I have the colonoscopy that is shortly to be done, May 5th to be exact. So, I am taking care of my medical needs and situations in addition to the mental health needs. And, just like all of you know, my living conditions have beome almost unbearable for me to endure for too much longer. I will be going on that much needed trip to Atlanta on May 18th. I would prefer train over plane. I could use the relaxing ride through the other states, looking out the windows and enjoying the moment. I know that if I am placed in a whole new set of circumstances other than present, my health, energy level and other factors would change dramatically. By the 18th I will be finished with my classes, and finishing up an Incomplete grade. I will be able to take my "Tears of a Woman" the Light Within, which I will pick up tomorrow at the post office. It is waiting for me. So, despite the mood disorder which seeks to get me down at this time, I shall fight it. The red rose can conquer this one too as long as she treats the illness first. This involves therapy, keeping appointments, medication compliance, needed sleep and rest and healthy diet. In addition to, keeping up-to-date with the websites, emails and updated literature to help me to cope with it for it is a life-time challenge that I am facing. But the diabetic also has to face everyday for insulin. Different illness, that is all. And on that note, I must say "Goodnite." Each day is sufficient for its own anxieties. (Matthew 6:34) and weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. I always look forward to the sun shining brightly through the window in the morning. It meant that "I survived" and God allowed!
